Lenny from Dayton writes Daddydoit:
My daughter is 13. She's starting to talk to her friends about boys. I'm scared about her getting involved with boys. I know how much pressure will come from some of her friends and especially the boys to experiment with sex. Where do I start?
Great question Lenny. Daddydoit doesn't quite know where to start with where you should start. It's a big and touchy subject that parents should have talked about with their kids well before adolescence. (The Psychology of Kidding: The Birds and the Bees.)
First Daddydoit thought: Tell your daughter how concerned you are. Start by telling her how you feel before you get into the nuts and bolts. Tell her that you love her and don't want her to make the mistakes you've seen other people make. Present your concerns as matter-of-factly as you can. You don't want to dump your fear onto her, but you want her to know that you care.
You use the word "scared." The reason you're scared is because you're a grown-up guy, and all grown-up guys were teenage boys once. You remember what you were thinking and what you were trying to accomplish. Hormones drive teenage boys wild well before their prefrontal cortexes are completely formed -- lots of torque without much resistance.
A little over-simplified brain chemistry lesson: There is a little know neurotransmitter called oxytocin, also known to some as the "cuddle hormone." When it is released in the brain we feel all warm and fuzzy. We want to hug and kiss and be all cuddly.
When the human body is pleasurably touched, oxytocin is released in the brain. In the presence of estrogen (in the female brain), oxytocin begets the production of more oxytocin. Therefore, when a teenage girl is pleasurably touched by a teenage boy, her brain will release oxytocin and she will tend to crave more touching. This desire to be touched does not necessarily mean a desire to have intercourse.
A teenage boy brain also releases oxytocin when his body is pleasurably touched. He, however, has testosterone pulsing through his veins. In the presence of testosterone, oxytocin stimulates the release of more testosterone. Testosterone cranks up the sexual urge.
So, you see, when a teenage girl says "no" to a boy after an hour of kissing and touching in the back seat of a car, she's not a "tease." And teenage boys are not animals for being so sexually motivated. It's all about hormones, neurotransmitters, and stimuli.
So teach your daughter, Lenny, that two kids in the back seat of a car are usually having two completely different experiences, even though they are doing the exact same kissing and touching. Lots of girls engage in sexual activity too early because of pressure, not because they actually want to be sexual. And too many boys condemn girls for wanting to touch and then stop.
Teach her about ooxytocin and to be careful of what's going on in the teenage boy brain. Teach her that she can say "no." If she does decide to be sexual, make sure she knows how to protect herself from unwanted pregnancy and STDs.
Otherwise, keep a bat and a dirt shovel by the front door. Have every boy who comes along sign the bat. Make sure he sees the shovel. And sleep with one eye open.
Get Thee: Why Do They Act That Way?: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen, by Dr. David Walsh.
copiwrite: B. A. F.
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