George from Minneapolis writes:
Dear Daddydoit, I've been married for ten years to a great woman. We've got two great kids, two great jobs, a house that we love; everything a couple could want. My only complaint is that the spark has gone out of our marriage. My wife is always too tired, too busy cleaning, or too stressed out about the kids. I try to help with the cleaning and the chores, but . . . Advice?
Thanks to you, George! Your question has spawned a new category for Daddydoit. We'll make it simple and call it Getting Along with Your Wife or Girlfriend.
Just remember that any advice you glean from the writing on these pages is free, and you get what you pay for. Daddydoit rule #1; believe half of what you see and none of what you hear. What you read falls somewhere between the two.
With that caveat in mind, you're probably making a classic man mistake. Your question is short but speaks volumes. But before I address your question specifically, a little digression is in order.
First, it might help to point out a little quirk about the male brain. It's different -- not better or worse -- than the female brain. The fibrous bridge connecting the two halves of human grey matter is something called the corpus callossum. For lack of a better description, it's the usb cable that connects the left and the right hemispheres. To put it simply, our (men's) usb cable is smaller than women's. Less bandwidth. Less ability to juggle disparate items in the brain. Less feeling part of the brain related to the thought part.
That is why, when your aunt Edna complements you on your vintage kitchen curtains, you really believe that she's giving you a complement. You smile and say, "Thanks auntie Edna, we especially like the little moose sequins embroidered along the bottom." And then you look over at your wife, and there's smoke coming out of her ears. You accuse her of of being too sensitive. Edna's your sweet little aunt. She wouldn't hurt a fly.
But in reality, Edna's a jerk. Edna knows the curtains are ugly, and she's pimping you. You can't see it. Your wife can. It's her corpus callosum allowing her to pick up on little cues that are totally wasted on you.
This brain difference is, in part, why you drop your underwear exactly where you take them off and then walk past them for a day without giving it a second thought. You're thinking about something else, and the underwear are a minor distraction. You polish off your orange juice and leave the empty glass on the end table. You used your brain to drink the juice, but now you're focused on other things. You've had a hard week at the office. The computer's acting up. End of story.
Your wife, on the other hand, is a master juggler. She's processing the politics at her work while she's contemplating your kids' summer schedule. She's devising a way to get that coffee stain out of her new blouse, and she's on the way to get an anniversary card for her nephew's first cousin on her mother's side. Her car has to be dropped off at the mechanic to get the a/c fixed in three days, but that's her grocery shopping day so she might have to borrow your car and you can walk to work. And she's concerned that Johnny is falling behind in reading and Suzy's hair needs a trim. And she's doing all of this at once!
End of digression.
Back to your question. I mentioned above that you might be making a classic man mistake. When you say, "I try to help with the cleaning and the chores . . .", you're implying the cleaning and the chores are your wife's responsibility. But you both have jobs. Your marriage isn't traditional if you both have jobs.
To put it simply, George, my guess is that your wife is simply too tired to tango. With two kids, a job, and a husband who tries to "help with the cleaning and chores," my guess is that she's got too much on her plate. You may not understand because you're focused man brain is satisfied with the neatly trimmed lawn and the functioning computer. What you do, you probably do well, but it's time to branch out. Action item: Do more around the house.
Henry Kissinger is famous for saying that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but he was a bachelor when he said it. Unless you've got a maid, housework is the aphrodisiac for married men.
Men tend to be competitive. I suggest you go that competitive place. Start challenging yourself to do more housework then she does. Rip the crown of domesticity from her head and pronounce yourself ruler of housework. If she does one load of laundry, you do three. If she dusts the living room, you spring clean the bathroom, the bedrooms, and the kitchen. (Even if it's the winter.) Be the first to cross the dishes finish line. Be the vacuum champ! It's in your bones to dominate! Take the bull by the horns, George. Think of the housework as one simple challenge and do it well.
Do these things, and I bet you'll get some action. If not, well, at least your house will be clean and you're wife won't be so worn out.
copiwrite B. A. F.
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