Daddy Do It

Will I Be Okay?

  
I was driving to pick up my wife from work the other day in our Honda van.  My son had fallen asleep in the back with my eleven-year-old daughter sitting next to him.  I heard some sniffling.  I knew it wasn't my son making the noise because he was fast asleep.  And I knew my daughter didn't have a cold. 

"What's wrong?" I said. 

Then the gates burst open, and she started to sob.  "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time," she wailed.  "It's just that I don't know what I'm going to do when you and mom die."

I asked her what she meant exactly, as I simultaniously piloted the two-ton projectile on wheels.  She told me that she didn't think she'd be able to get along in the world.  She didn't think she could do well in school, especially in college later on.  She didn't think she could support herself with a job after college.  She thought she wasn't smart. 
    

This took me back to when my daughter was three years old.  We were walking to the bus stop, and she started speculating about when I would die then, too.  "I just can't believe you're going to die!" she said.  There wasn't much emotion that day.  It was more like an intellectual mind-bender for her.  I thought that maybe she was embarking on some kind of pre-grieving process common to all children.  I certainly remember lying in bed, worrying about my parents' death.  

Looking back, however, now I think my little three year old wasn't grappling with losing me as much as she was measuring her level of security in the world.  As her father, I had become some kind of pillar for stability in her life.  Remove dad, her thinking went, and all would come crashing down.   

"I'm not particularly excited about the prospect of my death either," I joked.  Then she asked me specifically when I would die, as if she wanted the exact date and time.  I didn't have access to that information, of course.  I might have dropped dead the minute the bus pulled away with her on it, or I might have died the next week or the next year.  Luckily, I didn't say that.  Instead, I said, "You know how old I am?"  (She nodded.)  "When your my age, then I'll die." 

Of course, I was 41 then and ancient to a three year old.  She would never be as old as me.  I had managed to admit that I'd die someday (I didn't lie), but I had also managed to comfort her at the same time.  She wouldn't have to worry about her father's death until some distant time in the nebulous future.

Her thought process at age eleven, however, was much more elaborate than when she was three.  So in the van this time she was mixing the question with intense emotion, the consequence of adolescent hormones, to a certain extent.

I started by telling her that I remembered worrying about when my parents would die, too.  I said that I was sorry she was feeling so bad.  And then Hugh Beaumont took the reins, and I launched into a speech.    

"First of all," I said, "mom and I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon.  So you don't have to worry about it.  Second of all, you are smart.  All your teachers say so."  And then I seized the opportunity to give her a hard time about the homework she'd been schlocking off every day after school.   "The world is filled with smart people who go nowhere," I continued.  "Hard work is what will get you where you want to go.  If you're willing to work, you'll be okay."  

  
We arrived at my wife's work just as I was wrapping up my speech.  My wife jumped in and joined the fray.  She wisely pointed out that a person gets to control their thinking, to some degree.  My daughter could be afraid of all life's opportunities, or she could be excited about the possibilities.  It was her choice which side of the coin she wanted to emphasize.  

A Barbara Billingsley speech.  A better speech, by far.  (That's why I married my wife!)  

 

 

 

 

The False Dichotomy

                                                  

My friend Marc is an incredible person.  He's been very successful in the business world, he's a wonderful father and husband, and he's very smart.  Over pancakes and pork sausage the other day, we compared fathering styles.  I commented that I wanted to be around for my children, that working over 40 hours a week takes a father (a parent for that matter) away from his children too much. 

Marc responded that I was thinking like a helicopter dad, implying that I was hovering, suggesting that I needed to get out of the way and let my children experience life.  Children should be allowed to stumble and fall.  It makes them stronger.  "Look at us," he said.  "We were allowed to make all sorts of mistakes, and we're fine." 

He got me, at first.  I began to wonder if I was being overprotective and paranoid.  But then it occurred to me that he was creating a false dichotomy.  Being available is not the same as hovering over your child's every move. 

I like the agrarian model of parenting.  The parents are busy and productive, but they are available.  Johnny and Jane explore and play in the barn and milk the cows, but they can look out to the field and see father driving the tractor.  Or father is working in the pole barn only a shout away.  The industrial revolution removed fathers from families and damaged the institution of fatherhood.   

Poet Robert Bly says that when a child doesn't know what his or her father does all day long, it creates an empty space in the child's head that is often filled with unproductive things.  Adolescent correctional facilities are crammed full of fatherless boys.  The prisons are filled with men who grew up fatherless.  The opposite of being available is not helicoptering.   

"I don't know about you, Marc," I said.  "But looking back, it's a miracle that I'm alive.  I did so many stupid things.  I could have used a little more helicoptering."

The old saying That which doesn't kill you will make you stronger is hogwash.  Much of what doesn't kill a child causes damage, some of it profound and deep.  The challenge is for parents to be available without being overprotective.   

To equate being unavailable with good fathering is indefensible.  This is just one more thing I admire about my good friend Marc.  He misspeaks with such esprit de corps.

                                               

 

 

 

Talking About Death

                                      
 
First, Daddydoit needs to apologize for being AWOL for the last couple of weeks.  We experienced a death in the family.  A very important person to my wife, our children, and me died overseas.  We are still walking with grief and will for quite sometime.  His death was a great loss, but the world is a much better place because he lived.

 
 
We were unable to attend the funeral in Asia, so we made do with a service of our own here in Minneapolis.  We went to a park on a beautiful October afternoon.  There was a robust little pine tree in front of a stand of cattails.  It's lowest branches were several feet high. We put pictures of our loved one against the trunk of the tree and hung strips of white cloth all around.  Each of the children spread a handful of rice near the pictures and lit an incense stick.  My wife and I laid flowers down.   A finer alter has never been created.  Then we each wrote a little note to him, telling how much we loved him, how much we'd miss him, and how sad it was that we'd never see him again.  Then we cried together.

                                                      
 

I think it's important to talk to children about death.  Let them ask questions.  Above all, it's important to be honest.  My daughter asked me what happened to people after they die.  I told her the truth; that I didn't know and that no one really knew for sure.  People have faith about where we go after death.  Faith feels a lot like knowing, but it's different.  

I asked her what she thought.  Where do people go when they die?  My daughter is a very bright person.  She said, "I think the body goes back to the ground, and the spirit goes up somewhere."  I told her that that's what a lot of people think. 

 
 
 
 

 

North Korea and the Potential for Craziness

      
 
Max and I were watching The News Hour on PBS the other day.  The screen depicted the squaller and mess that's been created by Kim Jong Il and his minions.  The story went on to speak about the human rights abuses and the torpedoing of the South Korean ship that killed 46 young people.  Max asked, "Why are all those people living like that, dad?"

I didn't quite know how to answer.  My wife is Korean.  Therefore, Max and his sister are half Korean.  He might as well have asked, "Why are my relatives living like that?"

                                         

I didn't want to present it to him in too simplistic a way, but I also didn't know how to tackle the issue head on.  I explained that there was a bad man running the country, keeping everyone misinformed and afraid, and that people do weird things when they are afraid.  "Hysterical sheep are more dangerous than wolves," I said.

I suddenly realized that he got the impression that the North Koreans were the only people capable of mass craziness.  "People throughout the whole world can act poorly if the conditions are right," I said.

                                     

"Europe had two big wars," I continued.  I told him that in the last decade some crazy things have gone on in Africa.  I told him about post 9/11 America, when some Americans seemed ready to shred the constitution.  We invaded a country that had nothing to do with the World Trade Center attacks.  We even tortured people.  

"Anybody can be bad, then," he said.  "Is that it?" 

       

"Not everyone, Max," I answered.  And then I thought for a moment.  "Just most of us."

Daddydoit

_________________________________

 

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Talking About Islam

 

Shirley from Chicago writes:  "I'm not sure how to talk to my kids about the Muslims.  I see all the images on the television, and my kids see them too.  They haven't asked, but I think I should talk to them about it.  I realize that I don't know much.  Where should I start?"

Fantastic and timely question, Shirley.  Just the other day I had a conversation with a good friend of mine about Islam.  The discussion started with misogyny and then meandered all the way to the disputed Mosque in Manhattan.  Both of us headed for the library because we knew less about the subject than we thought.

 

Approximately 20% of the world's population is Muslim.  That's almost a billion and a half people.  Therefore, it is impossible to make any generalizations about Muslims.  They are like any other group of people, you've got to judge them one at a time. 

For my kids, I try to separate and qualify some of the irresponsible chatter that I hear: 

1.) Al Qaeda - under the leadership of Osama bin Laden - destroyed the World Trade towers in New York.  Islam did not.  That distinction is often blurred by some of the alarmists and propagandists, and that kind of misinformation can filter down to kids.  President George Bush II was quite wonderful in his understanding regarding this dissimilitude.  Our beef, he said, was not against a religion but against terrorists, regardless of what god they worship.  

     

2.) Part of the proposed Mosque in Manhattan will be, if it's built, a community center, complete with swimming pool, gymnasium, and work out areas.  My agnostic kids would be welcome to join, as would New York Mayor Bloomberg's jewish grandchildren.  It would be like the YMCA with an "I" instead of a "C".

3.) The history of Islam is no more violent and destructive than other religions.  Google 'The Crusades," or "The Spanish Inquisition," and you'll see that many Christians have historically ignored the pacifist teachings of Jesus Christ.  I saw footage once of a group of Buddhist monks attacking a rival group of Buddhist monks.  No religion is immune from hypocrisy. 

  

4.) Bin Laden wanted to spark conflict and animosity between Islam and the West, and he, to some degree, has been successful.  Unfortunately, there are bad people out there.  You don't want to lie to your children about that.  But it's important to emphasize that no single group has a monopoly on evil.  Bad people are the minority, and they come in every color, shape, religion, and shoe size. 

Other than the above, start by telling your kids that Islamic parents love their children every bit as much Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, or Hindu parents.  Your kids should understand that!

Daddydoit

______________________________________________________

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Paying for the Schools

Fred from Eden Prairie, Minnesota writes:  "I'm a single guy with no kids, and I've been hearing a lot about schools this and schools that.  So many bleeding hearts complaining that the schools need more money and the teachers need more, etc.  The complaint I've got is that I'm forced to pay for schools through my taxes even though I don't have any kids.  Why should I pay for someone else's kids to go to school?  I don't think I should have to pay for that."

Well, Fred, you seem to have given this issue a lot of thought, and that's a good thing.  You've come to a conclusion, and the hottest corner of hell is reserved for those with no conclusions . . . or some old adage like that.  I'll be joining you in the cooler regions of hades because I've got a conclusion too.  But it's different from yours. 

There are many reasons to "pay for someone else's kids to go to school."  I'll start in ascending order from the least to the greatest: 

First, the generations before us paid a ton of dough to establish some of the best infrastructure in the world.  When you're driving down the highway with your donut and coffee in hand, you're likely to forget that the highway beneath your wheels cost a fortune to build, and it took some of the best minds in the world to design, engineer, and assemble the US transportation system, of which your highway is only a small part.  When you answer your cellphone and spill your coffee in your lap, veer off that paved road and hit a telephone pole, there will be emergency workers all over the place within minutes trying to get you to a competent doctor at a well-equipped and well-staffed hospital.  This very discussion is being shot across a little piece of infrastructure pioneered by your Uncle Sam.  (The internet was originally a national defense mechanism.)  And what made all of this miraculous infrastructure possible?  Some of the best schools in the world and a populous willing to support them.

 

Second, we need look no further than Asia for another reason to spend a lot of our tax dollars on the education of other peoples's kids.  Specifically speaking, the reasons are China, South Korea, Japan, and India.  (Not necessarily in that order.)  While it's true that American students have a far greater ability to think out of the box, the Asian students are being taught to master subjects like mathematics, engineering, geometry, physics, and so on.  In other words, if we don't educate our kids really well in science, math and technology, Asia is going to kick our butts.  (They're going to pass us by regardless of what we do, it's just a question of to what degree.)  

Third, its obvious that you're able to form sentences on a computer keyboard.  That means someone somewhere paid for you to go to school.  When I was a kid, most families had three kids, four kids, five or more.  The Catholics down the street had 13!  (Your parents probably cranked out more than just you, Freddy, didn't they?  No one has an only child and names him Fred!)  That old librarian who never married, the old fart bachelor down the street, the gay couple who pretended to be roommates on Oak Street, and the couple who lived up on the hill and wanted to travel instead of change diapers; they all paid for you to get an education.  So the best answer I can give you as to why you should pay for other peoples' kids to go to school is because someone paid for you!

Now, lest you go accusing me of being a bleeding heart, I do understand that there is waste.  Some of the teachers unions might be getting a bit drunk with their power, and they make it hard to fire crappy teachers.  (This means you, Mrs. Carlson!)  But don't throw the baby out with the bathwater, Fred.  The portion of taxes you fork out for schools is money actually quite well spent.  And in the end, it comes back to you exponentially.  America is truly a great country.  Much of its greatness comes from high-quality, well-maintained, and well-funded infrastructure.  Schools are part of the infrastructure that makes America great!

Daddydoit

 

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The Immaculata, a Mystery

 The Immaculata, a Mystery

Minneapolitan Mary Ashton is plagued by nightmares.  With the help of her computer-savvy friend Merton, she investigates her own father and begins to suspect the details of her mother's death may have been fabricated.

After meeting the priggish Dr. Reginald King, Mary hides in Lafayette Sanitarium's bathroom until after dark.  Then she learns the truth about her father and the nefarious medial experiments conducted by Dr. King and his grotesque minion Roz.  Her nightmares become real.

"It was a page turner.  I kept wanting to know what was next."   Kathleen M., Minneapolis

"I put off reading it until Sunday morning.  I didn't want to lose sleep because it scared me." Melonie S. Minneapolis

"I really enjoyed it.  I could relate to Mary Ashton.  I got lost in her story." Kelly F. Minneapolis

 

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A Day at Como Zoo

The Minnesota State Fair is also known as the Great Minnesota Get Together.  And it is great, but it's only great two weeks out of the year.  There's another great Minnesota gathering place that's available every day of the year.  It's less crowded, usually.  There are tons of animals to see.  There's great food (and some horrible food).  There's a carousel, a conservatory, and kid rides within a stone's throw.  It's the Como Zoo.  

We entered the zoo at 10 a.m., and - just as we were instructed by my friend Lynette - we headed straight for the new, multi-million dollar polar bear exhibit. 

   

We got there just in time to see and hear the polar-bear presentation, delivered by a young woman over the din of fifty elementary-school kid voices.   (The fantastic "outpost building" is air conditioned, so we didn't care about the noise.) 

The weather was oppressively hot that day, so Buzz and Neil (named after astronauts Aldrin and Armstrong, respectively) were just laying around, trying to beat the heat.  The architects of the outpost building included floor-to-ceiling windows in their design.  Half of each window looks down into a pool with live fish for the bears to hunt.  The upper parts of the windows look out over a realistic, natural habitat for the big, white bear brothers.

After we said "hi" to Buzz and Neil, we walked past the seal exhibit just as the seals and sea lions were being fed.  The shiny things must have polished off twenty gallons of fish in the few minutes we were there. 

    

We checked out the butterfly tent and then were off to see the monkeys, orangutans, and apes.  The orangutans were surprisingly active, given the heat.  It was difficult, however, to make out who was watching whom.

      

One of the monkeys had long hair and wore a cute little plaid hat.  (Pictured below.)  She seemed to be associated with, possibly related to, a younger male with striking brown eyes and an engaging smile.

. 

Their father seemed overly protective.  A helicopter ape dad.  (Pictured below.)  Scowling at anyone who got too close, and eating greens.

   

We also saw the Sparky the Seal show.  Although, we didn't get any good pictures of it.

copyiwrite, B.A.F.

   

Help With My Wife

 

Kyle writes Daddydoit.net:

Help with my wife. I work a full time job, do the cooking and grocery shopping, my laundry and the kids and when I can't stand the bathrooms or floors anymore I get to clean those also. Not to mention any work that needs to be done outside. We've been married for eight years, we have 3 kids (8 5 and 4) and I can't get her to help around the house and stop going out with her friends. This isn't something that has just started but something that has been going on for a couple of years now. Every so often I will let her know how I feel and she gets better for a month or so and then its right back to the same old stuff. I understand that being home with the kids all day that she needs breaks and that is fine, but going out with friends 2-3 times a week seems a little much. She does have a part time job as a freelance photographer, but doesn't work more than 10 hours a week on it. I am so fed up with her being lazy that I am ready to kick her out of the house for a week or two. Am I wrong in feeling this way and does anyone think this would help the situation or just hurt it?

So sorry, Kyle, that you're having a problem.  While you're obviously frustrated with your wife, there also seems to be some true caring on your part.  You haven't "kicked her out," as you say, and it sounds like the situation has been trying your patience for quite some time.  The two of you are still together.   

 

Is it possible that your wife is depressed?  It's nearly impossible to function properly in a relationship if one isn't passionate about something outside of the relationship; work, art, hobby, etc.  Depression can squash passion, and the lack of passion can beget depression.  If she is depressed, then she might need some professional help.

 

When she goes out with her friends, is it all about drinking alcohol?  Is she drinking when she's at home?   If she's drinking too much, you might have a budding alcoholic on your hands.   Subsequently, an assertive husband is just what the doctor ordered.  The hottest corner of hell is reserved for enablers.

Ultimately, a good marriage counselor would be the best solution.  There might be answers right in front of your nose.  A neutral eye can see the forest through the trees.  Additionally, your wife might be able to understand your complaints better if she hears them via a third party.  You might be contributing to the problem unconsciously, too.  A good marriage therapist can help you with all of these possibilities and more.  Google the LMFTs (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists) in your area.  (If you live in the Twin Cities metro area, email daddydoit.  I know a great one.)  And remember that therapists are like plumbers, not all of them are good at what they do.  Be ready to interview and shop around.  You married this woman for a reason.  She's worth giving it your best shot.

If you're set on dealing with the problem on your own, keep letting her know how you feel.  Make sure she knows you're nearing the end of your rope.  Talk about the big picture, that you see a recurring pattern.  Resist the temptation to say abusive things to get your way or to feel potent.  No affairs!  If you handle this crisis well, your kids will learn from their father how to handle a relationship problem with assertiveness and compassion, regardless of the final outcome. 

It appears that you're getting exasperated, so you're right to be proactive.  If you're assessment is accurate, you're really getting a raw deal. Anyone in your shoes would feel resentment.  You're not wrong for feeling the way you do. 

Hope this helps,

Daddydoit

copiwrite B.A.F.

 

 

 

Juicie Juice

Hey kids!   Why eat those nasty vegetables when you can drink them? 

Max never knew how sweet carrots were until we juiced a couple.  We added apple, a little ginger for spice, and then some parsley to give it some bling.  It's the perfect thing on those killer hot, steamy days.   

 

I bought our Omega Juicer about twenty five years ago.  Other than a broken fastener (which the company fixed for me), it's been indestructible.  I have to put it on rubber pads when I use it, however, because it starts to float away as soon as there's any moisture on the counter.  It must be some kind of gyroscopic vegetable effect.

 
We use organic carrots so we don't have to worry much about pesticides and herbicides.  But we wash them like crazy anyway.  We buy them five pounds at a time, and try for the skinny ones so we don't have to slice them to fit into the juicer shoot. 

Here's a rundown of the vitamins and minerals in the juice we made:

From the Carrots:

 Vitamin A,  Retinol Activity 
Alpha Carotene, Beta Carotene 
Beta Cryptoxanthin 
Lycopene
Lutein+Zeaxanthin
Vitamin C
Vitamin E
Thiamin 
Riboflavin
Niacin
Vitamin B6 
Folate 
Choline 
Betaine
Pantothenic Acid 
Vitamin K

From the Parsely:

Vitamins A, C, E, B6, and K

  From the Ginger:

Natural Anioxidant, Natural Anti-inflammatory

  From the Apple:

Potassium, Calcium, Phosphorus, Magnesium, Manganese, Iron, Sodium, Copper, Zinc

Vitamins A, B1, B2, B6, E, and K.  Also Niacin, Folate, and Pantothenic Acid.

  Good stuff!