Girls, Competition and Fitting In

 

Jim from a suburb of Minneapolis writes:

My daughter Samantha was separated from her best friend of three years (Jinny) because of a 7th-grade split last year.   Samantha went to one school, and Jinny went to another.   Samantha was very sad.  She didn't seem to adjust to the loss.   I tried to convince her that the friendship didn't have to end despite the separation.

 

Samantha had a rough go in the beginning of that year.  She finally hooked up with some nice girls that January.  Those girls, for what ever reason, didn't belong to any of the cliques.  They and my daughter Samantha seemed to be the girls "left standing when the music stopped."  A group of 5-7 modern-day nerds.

 

My daughter and her friends are rebellious in their own way.  They reject some of the popular trends and don't play by the rules set down by the other girl groups.  She's in 8th grade now, and she's starting to see that the other girl groups are effectively isolating her group.  Samantha wants to get involved with the other groups of girls, but when she tries (or thinks she's trying) she's treated as an outsider.  She feels like she wants in but doesn't know how.

 

This is the question for Daddydoit:  What advice can I give my daughter about branching out to other groups?  What can she expect?  What are the advantages and pitfalls?

Jim

   Daddydoit says: Let's let one of the readers respond.  Daddydoit will respond later. 

Kelly from Minneapolis advises Jim:

When I was a teen, I was not popular and was one of those 'outside kids'. I often felt lonely. So I know how your daughter feels.

Being popular has its good points. Most school groups center around activities (cheer leading, sports, etc.). These groups tend to help kids stay out of trouble and do well in school. So she might be aspiring to join some good groups.

Before you support her attempted move, however, you might want to ask yourself, Are the group of girls your daughter is currently friends with (nerds) involved in productive activities? Do they make good choices and stay out of trouble? If yes, then I would encourage your daughter to keep these connections and not get too hung up on trying to fit in with the other groups.

Also, girls can be very tricky to figure out. They are emotional and play games, sometimes very cruel games. What are the reasons she wants to be with these other girls? Sometimes the most popular girls can be the cruelest. I'd advise her to be careful.

Consider that it may not be easy for her to find acceptance within the new group. She may be required to change her appearance, her priorities, even dump her old friends. Would she be okay with these things?

Being popular isn't all that it's cracked up to be. And being close to those who are popular can even be less fulfilling. Sometimes following the "in" group leaders can make you feel even more isolated.

When it's all said and done, I suggest she stay with the friends she's got.

For what it's worth.

 

Okay Jim.  Daddydoit has been mulling around your daughter's dilemma for a couple of days now:

Kelly from Minneapolis has a point.  Your daughter has to be careful.  Girl cliques can get catty.  Your daughter could get body slammed, figuratively speaking.  If she decides to try to join the other groups, she should move carefully.  She should also watch out if she is asked to give up her old friends.  All of that is true.

Daddydoit would like to add, however, that your daughter is quite lucky to have a father who is so concerned about her.  If you can describe her issues so clearly, obviously she's coming to you and confiding in you.  Half the battle is already won if she's getting support at home.  Kudos! 

Just be careful not to push her into doing anything.  Give your best advice and make sure to qualify it ("I might not see this clearly," or "You can't totally control outcomes," etc.).  Always keep in mind that other people's problems are easy because they are not yours.  Even -- or especially -- your daughter's.  (Daddydoit is an expert on everybody's problems but his own!) 

Let her make her move or not make her move and then be there to support her regardless of her choice or regardless of the outcome.

Daddydoit says your a star dad for putting your love into concrete action.  Good job Jim!