J. is the principle of a large suburban high school. She’s on the front line of helping families raise their kids in these difficult parenting times.
She texted Daddydoit, “Think about this one.... I am starting to see more young men stepping into the father role unexpectedly at very young ages. They are trying to be fathers to young teen boys. Often they step in when the biological father has abdicated and the biological mother is overwhelmed. These ‘new fathers’ are often in their early 20's without the benefit of being there [in the child's life] from birth. They have the best intentions, but I don’t know how they can do it. What help do they need? Sent from my iPhone!”
Daddydoit says: Many people, women and men alike, step into parental roles with the greatest of intentions. This is essentially a sub-category of the blending-families challenge. And blending families is one of the most difficult family configurations. Of course, it’s simpler if only one of the partners enters the relationship with children. When two people bring two sets of kids, two exes, and two histories together, making things blend becomes very difficult.
Specifically, J. is talking about young men who don’t bring children into the relationship. They meet a woman who already has children. They love the mother and probably want to fill the shoes of the bio father if he's AWOL.
When considering becoming a stepfather, especially if he's trying to replace an absent father, it is important for a young man to ask whether he has the determination to stick with it long term. There is the danger of building the expectations of the child, then running out of steam. This young man may be suffering a savior complex. After a year or two of trying to be super husband and dad, he might start to resent the portion of his life he’s given up. Suddenly, he realizes he's got needs, too. He becomes neglectful, even abusive. And the child is abandoned by another father figure.
With those considerations in mind, J. asks what a young step father needs: A strong support system of other fathers is first on the list. And preferably those fathers are older and have already walked the walk. He should have plenty of shoulders to lean on, and plenty of phone numbers to dial for help and support. Therapists and clergy can help, too.
He should not feel guilty for his own needs. Matter of fact, he should anticipate them. And he should not be surprised to feel taken for granted.
Other than that, he should have an extra pair of wool socks, some dry matches, and a canteen filled enough to get him and his camel from oasis to oasis.
copiwrite B. A. F.
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